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Activate grandparent mode when the family tree begins to grow.
Becoming a grandparent is the threshold into a new stage of life. Who doesn’t relish the cherub baby stage or the out-of-the-mouth-of-babes younger years? As grandchildren get older, deep bonds can form as life experiences and perspectives flow between grandchildren and grandparents. And watching one’s children become parents can be life-affirming.
There are starting points to this stage, one being when the newborn comes home from the hospital. Getting off on the right foot is vital to establishing a healthy relationship between parents and grandparents.
If grandparents have the honor of being asked to assist the freshly minted family, there are some points to keep in mind to navigate the flood of emotions and concerns that can overwhelm new parents—and newbie grandparents. While every family, pregnancy and adoption is different, these guidelines serve as gentle reminders for those important early days.
- Before the baby arrives, let the parents know if you’re available to assist them post-delivery.
- If you don’t live in the same town, have the new parents determine the length of the extended stay.
- When it comes to sharing the birth or adoption story, everyone has different comfort levels. Avoid asking too many questions. If the couple is ready to share details, they will.
- During the visit, refrain from acting like a guest. Offer to cook meals, especially dinners. Inquire about recipe preferences or if the new mother has postpartum or nursing dietary needs. (It’s probably not the time to cook with shovels of garlic, salt or spicy ingredients.)
- Ask if the couple wants extra food to freeze for meals when they are on their own.
- Resist the temptation to clean or organize. Ask first. Are there any chores you’d like me to do? If the answer is no, sit with that. Quell that urge to dust, vacuum and tidy up.
- Offer to run errands for baby supplies, food or anything else that is running low. Ask if the family wants any backstock items, so there aren’t any emergency runs to the store after helping hands depart.
- If the holidays are approaching, inquire if there are cards to address and mail, gifts to order and send, or goodies to bake and freeze, etc.
- Read the room. If the vibe feels a bit tense or emotionally crowded, step away for a bit to another part of the home, outside or to the store. Getting away for a certain time each day gives everyone a regular chance to reset.
- Parents are bonding with their baby; don’t dominate the newborn. Snuggle time is great, but watching young parents step into parenthood can be just as gratifying.
- Refrain from statements, including: I’m going to … and I want … The family’s needs take priority. Would you like … and How can I … inquiries can feel less intrusive or controlling.
- While it’s tempting to share photos of a new grandchild on social media, ask the parents if it’s OK to post images.
- If there are older siblings, give them loads of attention and love. Their world just changed, and it can leave them wondering where their place is in the family dynamic.
- Before departing, change the guest bedding; ask if you can launder sheets and towels.
- Offer advice—when asked. What was common practice isn’t necessarily being done now. Parenting and medical recommendations evolve. Now, it’s time to evolve into sitting on the sidelines unless asked to “get in the game” or if there’s an urgent need.
- Make supportive comments to the new parents, who might feel unsure in this new territory. I’m proud of you. You’re doing so well. The baby is so lucky to have you as parents. I’m here for whatever you need.
- Remember those care packages you sent when your child was in college or living away? Send the new parents a special package with some of their favorites, including gift cards for local take-out restaurants, healthier snacks, massage/spa certificates, quick reading materials and best of all: a certificate good for grandparent babysitting services—no expiration date!
